Lisa Richards
When you came to the workshop what inspired you to come and take part?
The workshop appealed to my sense of curiosity, as it is not every day you get to draw around yourself and do a life-sized artwork. For me, it seemed too good an opportunity to miss as well as seeing what insights might be revealed, especially with Lisa as my guide.
What did you receive, get to understand or learn about yourself and your body from creating your art on the I Am Woman day?
Being confronted by such a large sheet of white paper was daunting and even more so once there was an outline of me with nothing inside; It made me start to question who I was especially with my identity and relationships stripped away, but moreover I felt vulnerable. Despite it just being an outline on a big sheet of paper, I felt that my body was laid bare for all to see.
As I started to paint, it soon became apparent to me why I felt so uneasy, as I realised that I’d never felt truly comfortable with my own body or femininity. As the tears welled up inside, I recalled the feelings of shame & embarrassment I’d felt whilst growing up. The rawness of it all took me somewhat by surprise and so consequently struggled to reconcile such emotions as I painted.
Although never outwardly rebellious, I can recall how at times I almost seethed in silence as my body was changing, and not in a good way. Whilst I didn’t want to be female as I didn’t see women being treated as equals, I didn’t want to be male either. As a result, I just swallowed these uncomfortable feelings down, hoping they’d disappear and so became a bit of a wallflower, blending into the background, watching and learning as it felt like the safest place to be.
As I started to put colour on the paper, her skin began to reflect the anger I was still feeling which also brought out feelings of shame and so painted a dress to cover the parts identifying her as a female. However, once I started to acknowledge and sit with these emotions, it became less scary and the rebelliousness I’d tried to hide all those years ago almost came flooding out in the form of a purple “barely there” dress I’d never have had the confidence to wear, let alone go out in!
As I continued painting, I started to process those conflicting feelings and challenged myself to look at things differently, despite the pain and sadness I’d experienced. Indeed, I was able to confront that sense of loss of childhood and being a people pleaser, reconnecting to being a woman, my femininity and sexuality, all of which had undermined my confidence for so long.
Whilst I didn’t finish my painting on the day, I felt empowered to continue at home and as I sat, I felt a well of compassion and love for myself for what I’d been through. The addition of vines and tiny rosebuds around her arms and legs reflect that I feel I’ve started to blossom since those days, but more than that, just how much more grounded I felt, which is why the earth comes up to meet, support and anchor my figure. The angel wings I added convey all the progress I’ve made in healing and protecting myself albeit I imagine this is a never ending process, indeed; I feel my figure has the look of a stone age woman because my perception is that society does not readily acknowledge women’s achievements or still really hear their voices, hence my “earth angel” has no facial expression and vines around her neck limiting what she feels she can say without fear of judgement.
3. What does it mean to you to have a female body in our modern day world?
For so many years, I viewed being a woman as a hinderance because I saw how the world treated women which didn’t sit quite right with what my Mum told me, namely that I could do anything I wanted. Having chosen a creative, but male dominated career, I did just that, but in so doing also found a place to escape and hide from the grief I’d felt at the age of 19. It came at a time when I had just left home with Mum unsuccessfully trying to end her own life, which made it challenging for me to relate or trust anyone for many years after.
Whilst Mum survived, the sense of loss and isolation I felt and carried inside for so long eventually caused me to have a nervous breakdown several years later. At that point I also contemplated taking my own life, but having seen and felt the impact, I knew it wasn’t the answer. Fortunately, once I’d hit rock bottom, the only way was up and gradually step by painful step I learned to lean in to confront, rather than suppress my feelings and not judge, but rather to listen, learn and love with compassion.
Whilst I still have issues (doesn’t everyone?) I’ve come a long way since those days, recognising that I am a strong, independent woman who is perfectly imperfect in every way. I’m more content and confident than I’ve ever been which is important to me as I try to steer through what is still a male dominated world and use my influence to create better places for everyone. Although I wouldn’t call myself a feminist as this term feels charged with negativity and judgement, where women’s wants, needs and motivations are very different to men’s as they move through life. I’m acutely aware just how different life and the world around me was especially when I became a mother which I consider makes me a better advocate for future change.
4. How do you feel about your body today?
I now feel lucky to be a woman with a zest for life that I didn’t have when I was younger. As I have aged, I have become more comfortable with who I am as well as my body, so dress in colourful clothes as I’m no longer afraid to be seen or heard. Whilst I’m a wife, mother, friend and freelance urban designer, I still have a childlike curiosity and sense of wonder that I guess will enable me to keep moving forward despite our fast moving and ever changing world.
I AM WOMAN has been a wonderfully powerful and cathartic experience which has helped me to reconnect with who I am and for that I’ll be forever grateful.